Bro on the Go Read online

  Also by Barney Stinson

  The Bro Code

  BRO ON THE GO

  BARNEY STINSON

  with MATT KUHN

  A Fireside Book

  Published by Simon & Schuster

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  Fireside

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  ™ & © 2008, 2009 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. All rights reserved.

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Fireside Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

  This Fireside trade paperback edition November 2009

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  Manufactured in the United States of America

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication data is available.

  ISBN 978-1-4391-7313-8

  ISBN 978-1-4391-7315-2 (ebook)

  A portion of this work was published in The Bro Code by Fireside in 2008.

  For my vacation home

  TABLE OF AWESOME CONTENTS

  INTRODUCTION

  A BRO ON A DATE

  A BRO BEHIND THE WHEEL

  A BRO IN HIS PAD

  A BRO AT THE MOVIES

  A BRO AT THE STRIP CLUB

  A BRO AT THE GAME

  A BRO AT THE BALLET

  A BRO AT THE OFFICE

  A BRO AT THE MALL

  A BRO ON A BRO’D TRIP

  A BRO AT A DANCE CLUB

  A BRO AT THE GYM

  A BRO AT A RENAISSANCE FAIRE

  A BRO AT THE BEACH

  A BRO IN THE MILITARY

  A BRO IN OUTER SPACE

  A BRO IN THE BATHROOM

  A BRO AT A PARTY

  A BRO AT THE BAR

  A BRO WITH HIS FIANCÉE AT A THAI COOKING CLASS

  INTRODUCTION

  FROM THE DISINFECTED DESK OF BARNEY STINSON

  Spider-Man’s uncle once said, “With great power comes great responsibility,” but what the great philosopher really meant was, “With great power comes a never-ending string of dumbass questions.” In the year since selflessly bestowing The Bro Code upon humanity I have been inundated with letters, emails, texts—even a few stalker-level break-ins—from people in every corner of the globe, but mostly France.

  Everyone wants to know three things:

  1. Why haven’t you been nominated for a Nobel Prize?

  2. How can one person be so handsome, smart, popular, and handsome? (The “one person” I’m referring to is you—Barney Stinson.)

  3. The Bro Code is immensely entertaining, educational, and available via Fireside Books/Simon & Schuster, but it offers only general guidelines about how to live my life. What do I do when I’m at the office, going to the beach, or when I’m supposed to be at the office but I’m at the beach? HELP!

  I answer:

  1. I couldn’t possibly nominate myself for The Bro Code—they’ve repeatedly told me it’s against the rules—but you can.1 Nominations for the Nobel Prize in Literature are due January 31 and should be addressed to:

  Nobel Committee for Literature

  Swedish Academy

  P.O. Box 2118

  SE-103 13 Stockholm

  Sweden

  2. I don’t know, but if you’re a hot chick, perhaps we could discuss it at your place sometime . . . though now that I think about it, I probably can’t stay very long because I’ve got a thing later that night—but, yeah, no, let’s “talk.”

  3. Relax. Daddy’s home. The next time you’re out and about and a Bro-related concern arises, just reach down your pants and whip out this handy reference guide: Bro on the Go.

  For years I’ve wanted to supplement the universal laws of the Bro Code with a portable handbook of advice and commentary but for various reasons had to scuttle each previous effort: The Guy-dance Counselor,1 Touching Your Inner Bro,2 and most recently The Pocket Stinson.3 Now, with Bro on the Go, I’m finally able to present the observations, reflective wisdom, and inspirational nuggets I’ve mined through the daily grind of being awesome.

  In these pages you will find official Bro Codes in bold print alongside my own unique and powerful insights. To maximize utility, I’ve organized this volume by location so that a Bro trying to choose between black or gray spandex shorts for his workout can quickly flip to “A Bro at the Gym” and know the answer is a resounding “neither.” Used this way, it is my hope that The Bro Code will calibrate your moral compass while Bro on the Go provides a map to navigate your path toward total awesomeness and maybe, just maybe, getting laid big-time.

  With these tools in hand (heh), you are now armed to live the life of a Bro on the Go. So take this package of wisdom, roll it into a generous cylinder, stuff it in your front pocket, and go, Bro, go.

  A BRO ON A DATE

  A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they’re not that heavy.

  Good word to say a lot on a first date?

  “Trustworthy.”

  Bad word to say a lot on a first date?

  “Mommy.”

  Manners dictate that you wait for your date to go to the restroom before checking out whether that blonde in the corner is indeed spank material.

  Sure, the popcorn trick sounds like a great idea, but nobody’s actually ever done it. And that’s why she’ll never see it coming.

  You can learn a lot about someone on a first date, but the only way to get her weight is to steal her driver’s license.

  A BRO BEHIND THE WHEEL

  A Bro never admits he can’t drive stick. Even after an accident.

  This is all the car in front of you’s fault.

  That whole “sexy female cop with handcuffs and whipped cream” thing happens far less than the adult film industry would lead you to believe.

  Remember when you paid extra because you had to have a sunroof?

  At a four-way stop, “Bros before ho’s” still applies.

  (Heh. “Four-way.”)

  Jumping through the window Dukes of Hazzard style is fun. Landing with the emergency break between your legs isn’t.

  A BRO IN HIS PAD

  If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

  An adult channel home is a happy home.

  Stuffing your matching sheet sets inside one of the pillowcases is a no-fuss way to keep your linens organized.

  Even if it means banging a pot during battle scenes, a Bro should make some sort of attempt at surround sound.

  A BRO AT THE MOVIES

  If two Bros decide to catch a movie together, they may not attend a screening that begins after 4:40 P.M. Also, despite the cost savings, they shall not split a tub of popcorn, choosing instead to procure individual bags.

  If it looks like you’ll be staring at a giant Gwyneth Paltrow, Sandra Bullock, or Dame Judi Dench for the next ninety minutes, remember: Die Hard is probably on TV right now.

  Appropriate seating arrangement for two Bros:

  Bro—[empty “we’re just Bros” seat]—Br
o.

  Just a hunch, but I bet the vice president/general/police chief from the beginning is somehow behind all this.

  No matter how bad it is, DO NOT WALK OUT OF A KATE WINSLET FILM: 83 percent chance of a rack cameo, highest of any multiple Academy Award nominee.

  A BRO AT THE STRIP CLUB

  In a scenario where two or more Bros are watching entertainment of the adult variety, one Bro is forbidden from intentionally or unintentionally touching another Bro in ANY capacity.

  This is not the venue to try out that new black light.

  There are a million reasons not to use a credit card here, but only two silicone-filled reasons why you probably will.

  A fun trick to play is to tell that 6 foot 8 bouncer that your Bro is groping all the girls.

  Some handy Russian phrases:

  “Good evening.”

  “Boy, it sure is nice to unwind after a long day at the immigration office.”

  “As a matter of fact, I’ve got a whole box of blank green cards back at my apartment.”

  A BRO AT THE GAME

  When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o’clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

  When Bros attend a sporting event and see themselves on the JumboTron, they shall purse their lips and flex their biceps while informing the crowd that their team is number one, despite any objective rankings to the contrary.

  Even though you’re in the upper deck and he’s on the mound, yes, the pitcher can hear you shouting. More to the point, he’ll never know that giving up that two-run homer has pretty much blown the team’s chances of victory unless you personally tell him so.

  The stranger sitting next to you would totally like to hear about your high school sports moment of glory.

  A BRO AT THE BALLET

  n/a

  A BRO AT THE OFFICE

  A Bro shall never mix it up romantically with a co-worker.1

  As collegial as your office might be, nobody wants to see you exit the restroom and announce, “I just dropped a bomb in there.”

  “Had trouble sleeping last night” is a crude but time-tested cover for a bad hangover.

  If you’re giving a presentation and your mind suddenly goes blank, you can always start chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!”

  “Clear browser history” saves jobs.

  A BRO AT THE MALL

  A Bro doesn’t comparison shop.

  Don’t look back—they were definitely teenagers.

  There’s always time for a casual lap around the electronics superstore.

  Lingering around the children’s play area to scope out the hot young moms is a good idea in theory only.

  A BRO ON A BRO’D TRIP

  If a scenario arises in which a Bro has promised two of his Bros permanent shotgun, one of the following shall determine the copilot: (1) foot race to the car, (2) silent auction, or in the case of a road trip exceeding 450 miles, (3) a no-holds-barred cage match to the death.

  A considerate Bro rolls down the window before dropping ass in the car.

  When I say “Doritos,” I mean Cool Ranch Doritos. Remember that at the rest stop ’cause I’m just gonna send you back in there.

  If you find yourselves in Montana, somebody screwed up somewhere.

  A BRO AT A DANCE CLUB

  A Bro never dances with his hands over his head.

  Two Bros shall maintain at least a three-foot radius between them while dancing on the same floor, even when reenacting the knife fight from “Beat It,” which, I guess, two Bros shouldn’t do anyway, or at least not very often.

  Don’t be “necklace guy.”

  FREAKIN’ LOUD IN HERE, HUH?

  A BRO AT THE GYM

  A Bro shall not lollygag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.

  Judge not the Bro who asks a chick to spot him on the bench press.

  Judge the Bro who does so with an erection.

  God did not design spandex for dudes.

  Exception: David Lee Roth in the ’80s. That just worked.

  Injuring yourself trying to lift more weight than the next guy proves nothing . . . except how awesome you are.

  Surprise! You’re not the only guy who joined this step class to meet chicks.

  Briefs before boxers.

  The leg press is designed to showcase the calves, hamstrings, and quadriceps, not your dimpled scrotum.

  Be nice to every woman in the gym because, as the old saying goes:

  “Today’s heavy chick is tomorrow’s hot chick.”

  NOTE: Unless their face is dingo city, in which case feel free to act however you please.

  If your plan is to hang out in the sauna until someone other than a fat Eastern European man steps in, then, buddy, I hope you like heat stroke.

  A BRO AT A RENAISSANCE FAIRE

  ?

  A BRO AT THE BEACH

  A Bro never wears socks with sandals. He commits to one cohesive footgear plan and sticks with it.

  A “clothing optional” beach doesn’t really mean “clothing optional” for Bros.

  People are afraid of sharks, but in many ways aren’t they just the Bros of the ocean?

  A watched bikini top never malfunctions.

  A BRO IN THE MILITARY

  A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn’t America.

  If some smug citizen reminds you that he paid for your education, it’s okay to demonstrate your acquired knowledge by kicking him in the nuts.

  “Don’t ask, don’t tell” also refers to farts.

  If you’re in New York City for Fleet Week and you happen to see me chatting up some honey in my rented sailor uniform, let’s maybe keep it between us, ’kay?

  A BRO IN OUTER SPACE

  In a gravity-free environment, one Bro isn’t always expected to Bro out another Bro by letting said Bro go first. For example, if the former Bro had the chance to be the First Bro on the Moon but was like, “No, go ahead Bro, it’s all you.” That’s just stupid, Bro.

  Stay alert.

  Sometimes your onboard computer is your robot Bro. Other times he will try to kill you.

  Ast-BRO-naut.

  Right? Right?!

  A BRO IN THE BATHROOM

  Even in a drought, a Bro flushes twice.

  An hour spent sculpting a neck beard is an hour lost forever.

  You’ll know you’ve found your “bathroom read” when your legs fall asleep.

  It’d be a much more sanitary world if they made soap shaped like boobs.

  NOTE: Don’t steal my boob-shaped-soap idea. I’m gonna do something with that.

  A BRO AT A PARTY

  A Bro shows up at another Bro’s party with at least one more unit of alcohol than he plans to drink. If the party sucks and/or there are too many dudes, the Bro is entitled to leave with his alcohol, though etiquette dictates he should wait until nobody is looking.

  Remain calm, walk away slowly, and nobody will know you broke that.

  If you’re working on a chick and she mentions her cat more than three times, cut your losses and get out of there.

  A BRO AT THE BAR

  Given an option on quantity when ordering a beer with his Bros, a Bro always selects the largest size available or shall never hear the end of it that night.

  If you opened a bar, it would be way cooler than this.

  No matter how much you tip her, that hot bartender just ain’t gonna happen.

  If you really like a bar, don’t be there when the lights come on after last call.

  You will never return.

  If you can read this, you’re far too sober for darts, karaoke, and that woman in the corner whose eyebrows are high-fiving in the middle.